Why doesn't my husband appreciate me?
Disclaimer here, you can interchange husband for, mother, wife, child, friend, boss, or whoever you’d like. If you, like many people who come into my therapy room, are exhausted and fed up of doing everything for everyone without any thanks or appreciation, this article may be for you!
Feeling Unappreciated and Overburdened: Reclaiming Balance
Experiencing feelings of being unappreciated and overburdened is common, especially for those who habitually prioritise others’ needs above their own. This pattern often emerges from a deep desire to maintain harmony in relationships, but it can lead to emotional exhaustion and burnout. Consistently shouldering more than our share of responsibility can leave us feeling overwhelmed, but there are ways to navigate these feelings and restore balance.
So, why do we over-harmonise?
Humans are social creatures who naturally seek connection and harmony. We adapt our behaviour, conceal our true feelings, and accommodate others to avoid conflict and maintain peace. While this adaptability is valuable for sustaining relationships and group functioning, when taken to extremes, it can cause us to lose touch with our authentic selves and become overly reliant on external validation. The more we invest in keeping everyone else happy, the more we depend on others to gauge our sense of worth and well-being, which can result in “harmonising burnout”—a state where managing others’ real or perceived reactions consumes our energy. When harmony becomes our top priority, self-expression and personal needs often get pushed to the sidelines.
The Trap of Over-Responsibility
The tendency to take on too much responsibility for others’ happiness often stems from early life experiences where our actions were seen as stabilising or disrupting relationships. For those who were praised as the “good” child who always made others happy, there may be a deep-rooted belief that our role is to keep things running smoothly, even if it comes at the expense of our own needs.
In adulthood, this mindset manifests in behaviours like:
- Constantly seeking validation and approval from others.
- Expecting people to think and act as we would.
- Frustration when others don’t share our sense of urgency or goals.
- Overemphasising consensus, believing that agreement is essential for a relationship to function.
These patterns often lead to resentment and burnout, with the person stuck asking “why” questions that blame others, such as “Why won’t they step up?” or “Why do I have to do everything?” These questions maintain the cycle of over-responsibility and can make it difficult to initiate meaningful change.
Practical Barriers to Letting Go
Learning to relinquish excessive responsibility involves confronting some challenging practical barriers. It can mean tolerating others’ failures, accepting their struggles, and witnessing them do things in ways we perceive as wrong or inefficient. It also involves allowing others to make choices that we aren’t happy with, which can be difficult, particularly when those choices affect us.
For instance, consider a teenage son who refuses to clean his room. Over time, the room becomes filthy and begins to stink. The mother’s natural inclination might be to clean it herself because she cannot tolerate the mess. However, if she consistently takes responsibility for the cleaning, the child never learns to manage his own space. This creates a pattern where he expects someone else to step in, perpetuating a dynamic of dependency and learned helplessness. By holding back and letting him face the natural consequences of his actions, the mother encourages him to take responsibility for his own environment.
A more serious example is a husband who does not contribute to housework. If one partner takes on all the household responsibilities to avoid conflict, it establishes a pattern where this unequal division of labour is accepted as the norm. In setting boundaries and clearly communicating what is and isn’t acceptable, the person may have to face the uncomfortable reality that the relationship may not be sustainable if things don’t change. The risk of a relationship breakdown can feel daunting, but it also presents an opportunity to renegotiate roles and responsibilities to create a healthier balance.
Shifting from "Why" to "How"
To break the cycle of over-responsibility, we need to shift from “why” questions, which tend to keep us stuck, to more constructive questions such as “how,” “what,” “when,” and “who.” These types of questions encourage a reflective focus on our responses and behaviours, fostering a sense of self-responsibility instead of blaming others.
For example:
- What patterns emerge when I feel overburdened?
- Who tends to invite my over-involvement, consciously or unconsciously?
- How can I clearly define and communicate my boundaries?
- When do I find myself overstepping into others’ responsibilities?
These questions help shift the focus from blame to self-awareness, opening up possibilities for changing ingrained patterns. They encourage flexibility in relationships and prevent us from feeling that we must solve every problem or meet every expectation. This approach is about creating space for change and allowing others to step up and take responsibility.
Reclaiming Balance and Establishing Boundaries
Breaking free from the trap of over-responsibility involves redirecting some of the energy spent managing others towards managing ourselves. This doesn’t mean detaching from relationships or ceasing to care, but rather redefining our roles within those relationships. Prioritising our needs and setting boundaries allows us to maintain strong connections while also giving others the opportunity to manage their own challenges.
The idea of setting boundaries can be intimidating because it might mean tolerating others’ failures and even dealing with conflict. Yet, setting limits is not about punishing others; it is about honouring oneself. When we establish boundaries, we are choosing to be more authentic and self-directed, rather than conforming to what others expect of us, or falling into pre-existing patterns, which have contributed to our unhappiness and exhaustion. This may involve saying “no” more often, even if it leads to short-term discomfort.
Learning Through Consequences
When we relinquish excessive control, we allow others to learn through their own experiences and natural consequences. For example, the mother who tolerates her son’s messy room is giving him the chance to realise the discomfort that comes from living in a chaotic environment. Similarly, in a marriage, when one partner sets boundaries about household responsibilities, it forces the other partner to confront their own role in maintaining the relationship. These actions interrupt established patterns and allow for new dynamics to form.
It’s crucial to recognise that allowing others to face consequences does not equate to neglect or withdrawal. Rather, it is about encouraging growth and change by not shielding people from the natural outcomes of their choices.
What Patterns Are We Establishing?
Ultimately, it is essential to consider the patterns we establish in our relationships. Are we consistently stepping in to fix things for others, thereby teaching them to rely on us? Or are we empowering those around us to manage their own responsibilities? By setting boundaries and being more self-directed, we can create healthier, more balanced relationships where each person is responsible for their own well-being. This shift can help us move from feeling unappreciated and overburdened to a place where we feel valued for who we are, not just for the responsibilities we take on.
Breaking the cycle of over-responsibility is challenging but ultimately rewarding. It requires us to shift from trying to control outcomes to fostering self-awareness and growth. This process involves setting clear boundaries and embracing the discomfort that may come from allowing others to struggle, make mistakes, or even fail. It requires patience and the courage to tolerate potential conflict or temporary instability in our relationships.
The goal is to disrupt established patterns, allowing new dynamics to emerge where individuals are empowered to manage their own responsibilities. By focusing on what we can control—our actions and boundaries—we not only create opportunities for change but also promote a healthier balance in our relationships.
This approach shifts us from feeling overwhelmed and undervalued to living more authentically and self-directedly. It emphasizes valuing ourselves not merely for the responsibilities we undertake but for our true selves. When we step back from taking excessive responsibility, we also provide the space for others to step up and grow, fostering stronger and more balanced connections.
Changing patterns requires effort, discipline and an enormous amount of courage, but on the other side of that, is a life that fits for you, one that is authentic and aligns with who you want me be in this world. If you need a helping hand to get there & to get clear on the pathway there, feel free to reach out using the button below!